An Epiphany

I think I am holding in a lot of feelings here. Some of my friends may know I have been having a hard time lately. I came to realize why that is today. The truth is, I am an American and always will be.  I am an American living in Sweden. I realized that I am broken. I am emotionally split in two. I do not belong here, nor do I belong there anymore.

I am afraid of my trip to the USA for two months. Many of my good friends there haven't talked to me since I've moved here. That really hurts when you love and care about someone and you make an effort that they fail to return. I am afraid people won't want to see me and spend time with me and that a part of me will feel miserable for it. I am afraid things won't be the same or as great as I remember them; that I will have less in common or less to talk about with people and life will be awkward. 

I am worried that things that used to be completely normal to me will seem so foreign. I saw a 2 liter bottle of pop here at the store the other day and it looked so huge to me because here in Sweden we have 1.5 liters and that is what I am used to now. I shared that with Anton and he said, "how do you think I felt the first time I walked down an American pop isle?"

When I booked my trip to the USA,  I wanted as much time "home" as possible.  I told my friend Pernilla a couple months ago about being away for two months and our friend Alina will be gone for 6 weeks. She was far from thrilled. She was looking forward to the babies doing summer things together.  After she talked about all the fun things we would do I was sad I am going to be gone for so long. I then wished we are only going for a month, so I could spend more time with my friends,  the babies, and see more of summer here.

When Erin came here to visit us for a week in January, she didn't come out of the doors smiling and excited like I had hoped. I was upset but didn't fault her for it because the journey here is long. Things weren't normal with us as bffs that week,  because Erin was acclimating to so much at once. A new country,  a new home (I want her to feel like this is another home), and Rosalind. Anton and I tried to give Erin lots of different experiences, especially edible ones. It wasn't until I was driving her to the airport and we were sharing our lives with each other like old times that I had my sister and best friend back. While I talk to Erin almost everyday, it's not the same as being together. I really miss our relationship.

I am happy that the three of us have the opportunity to spend two whole months with Erin, my parents, and many others. I really need the help and break with Rosalind. Also our families will get to meet for our amazing wedding, and that is more exciting than nerve wracking, at least for me, maybe not for Anton!

I wonder if I will always feel like half a person or not completely whole in this country. I wonder if I'd really miss Sweden if we ever move to the US. I hope all my fears are unfounded. I hope I have a ball. Like my friend Alina said,  if you have too much of a good time you may not want to come back. I think I will actually look forward to coming back, to coming "home" to Sweden. I guess only time will tell.