Homesickness

Home in Michigan

So I haven't posted in a very long time. I was held back for many reasons like depression,  exhaustion, illness,  etc. But boy oh boy have I really wanted to shout out loud about life here. I mean I have so much to share about this country I sometimes call home now. I hope to stay a while so I can accomplish some things here. The thing about moving to a different country (especially from the majority of Americans I have heard from who live in Sweden) is that many people change their identity, but the title of my blog says it best. I will never let go of who I am,  where I've come from, and the fond childhood memories I have and want to share with Rosa and Anton here. I was very fortunate to experience some of the greatest things growing up in Michigan. Therefore I will always be living American in Sweden.

   Some days are really good here and I am happy about my decision to stay for a while, but on days like today I feel completely emotionally run over. I feel homesick for the wonderful relationships I have with family and friends in the USA. I long to talk, cry, and snuggle with my bffs.  I want to feel real again. I don't want to be in the land of passive aggressiveness, where you never really know if someone actually cares for you. I feel like so many people pretend here. They pretend to be happy,  they pretend to be your friend,  they pretend to care because they are stuck with you,  not because they choose you. Seriously it's hard to tell if people actually like you here,  it's not like they'd verbally say that (except for my mother-in-law, who actually did say that once to me).
     I am real. I pursue people who I genuinely like. I am real in my love, my generosity, my anger, my sadness, my passion, my obnoxiousness,  my bashfulness, I am who I am. I know my faults and can readily admit to them and in time forgive myself for them. My biggest asset is my biggest fault,  my honesty, I am not nor have I ever been a good sugar-coater. I am raw.  I share myself often. I find it difficult to lie. I am learning to always be a better and better communicator. I really want to express myself fully without being offensive to others, to be fully understood. I have great friends in the US who know all of this and still love me unconditionally. I feel like that may be something I will never have here. Don't get me wrong, my relationships in the US were not always sunshine and daisies, but I always had a true friend to talk to. I wonder if I will ever find a friend here whom honestly likes me as much as I like them. I am missing that closeness. Maybe I am just too American to bloom here.

     I worry about never being able to work here and having to move back to the US because I cannot get a good job. I don't want to have to move back to the US, unless I want to move back, not because I am jobless. I suppose that adds to the homesickness as well. In the beginning of January I was required to write a paper for my Swedish class.  It was an essay about my dream job and in writing it, I realized all the things I had planned and wanted for myself may no longer be what I want for myself now. I still am seriously considering a second master's or PhD, in the long term I think it would be fulfilling. When I think of my secret dream job that I have yet to share with anyone but my teacher, I feel closer to serenity than the other three dream jobs I mentioned in my paper. I guess like most people, I fear failure. In the back of my mind I hear my dad's words, "your time is worth money". And if I am not successful,  how do I support my family? A conundrum,  it is. Many people stay unhappy at jobs to support their families. I don't want that,  no one does.

     So I feel homesick. I daydream about being in Michigan this summer. I miss my support system. I miss being positively encouraged often. I miss having a few best friends and many close friends. I miss dinner parties and laser tag.  I wish I could be home for a while. I miss the excitement. My life here is very mellow compared to my life in the US. Here I spend all my time at home, school or the hospital. It can be boring, depressing, and lonely.  Well I guess I am sufficiently drained for now. You may disagree with some of what I have shared and that is your prerogative,  but do realize that this is my life and my feelings,  and I am just openly being me. I will soon write more blog posts about the good, the bad, and the strange in Sweden as I see it. I may even make a joke or two. Until next time...

Tahquamenon Falls, Michigan

Mackinaw Island, Michigan