Easter in Sweden

      So I wanted to post this on actual Easter Sunday, but unfortunately I  found myself ill with the flu and then life happened. We were  fortunate  enough to  spend  Easter  at Anton's parents' house and his grandparents' house.

      Easter  here is a lot different than my experiences with Easter in the US. While it is a  religious holiday,  I will be talking about the other differences. Here Easter is similar, but there are witches who ask for candy  like at Halloween. Anton says that on Easter the witches fly to blåkulla. And because of that kids dress up as påskkärringar, or Easter witches. I don't  really understand  and haven't  had the time to do the  research, but I am sure there's a lot more to it than that. We saw two children's witch costumes while shopping  and if Rosa was older, I think I would have bought one. I  want her to celebrate  both traditions when possible. 

Great Grandma Toll's Easter tree

      Decorating for Easter here seems to include  chicks, hens, and eggs. The most common decoration I have noticed is colorful synthetic feathers put on trees outside. While at Grandma's house we decorated the eggs after they were cooled with crayons. Rosa  was given an Easter  basket from the Easter  bunny, but here usually children receive  a large decorated  cardboard egg filled with candy.

      When I was young my mom had lots of beautiful  Easter decorations with bunnies, flowers, eggs, and chicks. We would always get egg  coloring kits with color dye tablets,  sometimes  with plastic cling  decorators, sparkles, stickers, or a white crayon so you can see your design around the dye.  We would then hide these eggs and plastic filled candy eggs for an Easter egg hunt. My mom always bought the  good candy or chocolates. We also  received  baskets with toys, candy, and  sometimes an outfit. I remember receiving a jump rope one year and when I was  older there were a couple of cds in my basket. I am not positive but I  think my sister and I received  our purple  bikes from the Easter  bunny. That old Easter bunny,  he (she) was so good to us! We  had a tradition of having an Easter cake when we had Easter with my grandmother in Tennessee. While the holiday as a child definitely held an emphasis on sugar, I  remember most all the fun I had.

Rosa, ready for Easter!

      Like Christmas  dinner in Sweden, Easter dinner is celebrated on the eve; so it is  Saturday, not Sunday. There is a special  Easter  drink called  Påskmust. It tastes  very similar to Julmust at Christmas time, but not quite the same. The flavor is rich and spicy like gingerbread, but light and crisper than the bolder Julmust. Also  flowers are huge at Easter  here. Of course it being the beginning  of spring I'm  sure that plays a part, but I am  sure there is never a  Easter where my mother-in-law and my husband's grandmother  does not have flowers! 

Egg decorating.

      Traditional  fare for Swedish  Easter is eggs and fish. More specifically  medium to hard boiled eggs, salmon or lox, and different  types of herring. Whatever else  is traditional to one's family is there too, like meatballs. In the US the two most common things we eat are baked ham and potatoes. A  lot of people like to get the honey or maple  flavored hams. Potatoes can be in any form, au gratin, mashed, cheesy potato  casserole, whatever way you like your potatoes. In my family,  like I know many others do, we adopt favorite side dishes from Thanksgiving or Christmas to have as well like green bean casserole and stuffing /dressing. Other dishes people like to serve are greens, sweet  potatoes, corn,  macaroni and cheese,  applesauce, rolls or biscuits, etc. Now that  people are  trying to eat healthier I am not sure what they are replacing their ham with, but I am sure it's festive. We made  green  bean casserole and tarragon  stuffing to add to Easter dinner.

    

My Easter Dinner

Our Easter Feast

       Our Easter was nice, but I look forward to next year when I can color eggs and do a Easter egg hunt with Rosa. It makes me happy thinking about relaying my traditions on her and seeing her enjoyment in them. She is one lucky little lady to have two ways to celebrate! Until next time...

A Tragedy Alone

So some of you know what's going on with my family right now. My heart is heavy with an ache that probably will not be dulled for quite some time. This will probably be the most serious post I will ever write. I must warn you, that while I will try not to be graphic, I must be honest. Call me absolutely  selfish, but I am not writing this for you, for your judgements, for your pity, for you to send me your experiences,  not that I deny their significance in any way, I just cannot manage  more pressure and truths of pain at this time. I am writing this for myself,  for hopes of even an ounce of peace of mind, and even though  my husband doesn't  completely  agree,  he respects my need for cathartic release.

My husband and I were overjoyed to find out in February  we  were  expecting. Our Rosa  would have a  little  brother or sister in October. We nicknamed the baby "cookie". Today while I am writing this, it is  April 10th, not only did Rosa become a year and a half, but it's National Sibling's Day. Today is also the day where we lost baby cookie, who was only 11 weeks and 3 days along. Rosa may have a sibling someday,  but not baby cookie.

I knew I  was going to  miscarry before it happened, only about 12 hours before it happened,  but it was  enough time for me to mentually shut down  to be able to handle what was to come. I  have never had a miscarriage before, but knew I was far enough along that this would be  most likely  an awful  experience.

I  had bleeding and pain, but when I felt  something  release  and my water broke, which I did not know was possible this early  on, I knew what was happening. The second  set  of  EMTS, who visited within  8 hours of each other, left  me for a taxi to come take me to the hospital. This was a big mistake. I soiled my pants, and the  seat  throughly. I lost so much blood  both the driver and I were  sure at one point I would pass out. I thought if the pain in my abdomen fully  released I would die. There were no hysterics, I  remained  calm. I  somehow  managed to make it  to the hospital by  focusing on my lower back pain.

The emergency staff were quick in checking me, but I was checked again after arriving in the care of the gynecologist/obstitrician's office. I will not share what happened next.  After finally getting  cleaned up  I was  examined. The doctor who examined  me, who totally  seemed to be  crushing on me said, "you will go straight up to  surgery now, but  do not worry they will  not  put you out, they will  use a local  anastetic". He asked extremely intimate questions, was very handsy, and I'm  not  quite sure he is like that with everyone. I  have  to admit I tend to  charm  health care  staff.

I  was  given  an adult diaper to wear since my underwear was thrown out,  but I  declared that I must keep my pants, I  couldn't  bear to throw out a perfectly good pair of black slacks even though  cleaning them would be a pain. I  probably should have just let her throw them out. But let me tell you that this adult diaper is so magical. Thank you Tena from the bottom of my heart for your XL adult diapers. They  fit like they were made specifically to contor my body. I  really appreciate that.  It's ok,  you can laugh, I am seriously  in love with these adult diapers, I wish I could wear them all the time. I  was  trying to be humorous  at the hospital as well when I could, because I know when I  breakdown, which will happen eventually, it will be like a  volcano  erupting. No one will want to be around.

My new bed for surgery was prepared and I was moved to it, but there was a confusion with the doctors and I had to wait for other  patients to be taken care of first. I was taken to  a room and had to pull out some rough  Swedish to talk to some of the nurses. Generally  health care professionals are the only  people I  do not like to try to speak Swedish to, it is better to  speak in your  native tongue if they can and for you as well. I  was  given medicine and I'm  not  sure when to take it because the verbal instructions were in spoken  quickly in Swedish. I am  fairly  certain  she said two before  bed and two tomorrow, but I  was  also delerious when she told me, so who knows!

Fortunately  my body let  itself relax enough  for a hour nap before they came to take me to surgery. Everyone was kind and  spoke clearly to me. However, they had a different plan for me. They decided to knock me out for  the surgery. I am glad they never told me in advance. I would have argued  against it. I am suffering from severe  congestion and did not want a mask over my face. When I  woke up I asked how much time had passed  and they told me an hour.  I  was  able to go back to my room  relax, eat, get  dressed and  sent home. I had a nice taxi driver on the way home who talked with me the whole drive back. He gave  me a complement.  He said, " it's  so nice to  be able to have  a  real  conversation with someone". I  told him he made my day a little bit better.

I am  not sure  when my shock will wear off and I will become a complete mess. I  am glad I was alone through the  worst because I don't  believe any of my loved ones could have handled  seeing the pain of today up close and personal. I think I will  always hide  parts of this experience because it is shocking and upsetting to know. Maybe it will hit me when I  wash the pants, maybe  when my family comes to visit,  maybe  I will lock this up so tight, it won't be until  Rosa has  a sibling  someday that I finally feel the loss. All I do know is I that I am  broken down and  scared to  feel what I am really feeling. So until my own reality hits me, I want to feel normal and  enjoy the beautiful daughter I do have. I don't want to talk about it obsessively. I just want to deal with it in my own way. I hope I have someone who is willing to listen when I do need to talk, but for now,  I am  as ok as I can be.

SFI Swedish For Immigrants

My book

    Now on to what you all have been waiting for... my experiences with SFI! Actually wait a second, here is a little disclaimer first. I know some of the Swedes here I know are curious about SFI, but I have to admit my experiences are not like everyone's. Let me say I have heard several Americans tell me that have had shady experiences with their SFI classes and did not learn much. I have lucked out, I go to a more serious, caring school than those who have had poor experiences. My classes in 2014 were not as serious or as structured as they are this year, but they have always been decent at teaching us the Swedish language.

     I started SFI or Swedish for Immigrants in October. I missed a lot of classes because of health reasons (I get a lot of ear infections, etc.),  but I still went as much as I could manage. The classes were set up into four groups  (A, B, C & D) which were dependent upon previous education. SFI Alfa is usually for people who do not know the alphabet in their own language or who do not know how to read or write at all or much in their native language. They could have what would be equivalent to a elementary education. To be in group B you had to be equivalent to a middle school or high school education. I was put into SFI C because I knew no Swedish, and had lots of education (Like 13 years of standard education and over 9 years of college). 

     The beginning of that class was mind blowing.  The first day of class we freaked out about how we were to understand anything. Everything was said in Swedish. Half of our classmates could speak in Swedish (we later learned they had been studying for 2 years already). Our fabulous teacher Marie told us to relax and listen, that we would pick it up quickly and understand in no time. My reading comprehension advanced so quickly I was stunned. However my listening comprehension was poor and speaking was practically nonexistent. I had a hard time remembering words I saw all the time. I would literally see the word "många" (many) or "något" (something) several times and still not remember what they are in English (and these are simple words). Yet somehow I would still understand a great deal of text. 

     Computer class was a joke. The first two classes we had actual assignments but then for some reason that stopped. We almost did whatever we wanted, usually looking at "Learn Swedish" websites. Our "teacher" wasn't actually interested in teaching us anything and one day he never showed or called to say he couldn't show, suffice to say they weren't happy with him when he returned. He was supposedly sacked at the end of the year for not having the proper education.  My main teacher Marie was also let go because of not having a teaching degree (I was heartbroken about this, she's the kind of person you want for your best friend, charming, funny, kind, encouraging, etc.). Since I did not know a lot of the basics in Swedish I had 6 weeks of special classes to learn the alphabet (which is basically the same as English), how to tell time (which I still can't do), learn numbers (finally something I know!) and lot of basic vocabulary like classroom objects, clothing, food, and weather. One of my random favorite words in Swedish is frimärke (stamp in English, as in a postage stamp). Don't ask me why, I can't explain it, maybe because it's fun to say, but I think in learning any language there are words you like and words you dislike with a fiery passion.

     On Fridays, and this is still true, we have cultural classes.  All SFI students are brought together to learn all about Sweden. Some of the information is great, other times it's boring because you cannot understand or because you already know the information, especially if you actually read the text book Om Sverige (About Sweden) before you went to class. We have visitors come in a tell us about certain things in Sweden like the unemployment agency and local clubs like Tierps riding club, church social clubs, dancing clubs, Tierps art shows, etc. What is awesome about this class is the field trips. We were taken and shown the library, a recycling area, the specialty recycling for electronics and batteries, and the second-hand shops. There was a field trip to the pool, where we went swimming for free (I was all over this)! For this upcoming Friday we had to chose if we want to visit a preschool, elementary/middle school, or high school. I am going to Centralskolan  (kids 7 to 15) because I have seen the high school and been to the preschool many times. So sometimes you can look forward to going to cultural class.

     There was a two week Christmas vacation after the SFI D test was given. I missed the week before and after break too because we were in the US and I was extremely ill upon returning home. In January, while my friends moved on to SFI D,  I stayed in C. I missed too much school and failed the hearing part to move into D with my friends. While I was a little sad, it really didn't bother me, because I knew I could focus better without them. A new teacher took over our class and it has been an adjustment. She is Russian and is harder to understand than all of the other teachers. It's funny though because occasionally she says things so clear, but usually they sound muffled. She said to me,  "Megan I can tell you understand a lot, men du behöver prata Svenska" (but you need to speak Swedish). So even though my husband doesn't understand me half the time, I am not ready to give up, så jag vill prata svenska mer,  even if it's wrong. What am I saying?! Especially if it's wrong (because my Swedish is that poor). I have decided to speak Swenglish until I know proper grammar and more vocabulary to complete those sentences.

     School has been good lately. Last week was home study week and this week our normal classes resumed. For homework I had to turn in four worksheets, write a letter, write an essay, read three chapters in a book and rewrite an article from listening to it aloud. It was a lot of work. I hope I can see how I did next week after everything is graded. We don't get actual grades, we get corrections and sometimes "bra" (good) with a smiley face. It's makes me feel like I'm 7 again. I like having homework. I think we need more of it. I asked my teacher yesterday, "kan vi ha en uppsats för nästa måndag?" Anton says it's "till" not "för", but hey I'm trying here! If you're a Swede, you know what I asked. Can we have an essay for next Monday? Anyway instead of an essay, I guess we have a test. I would have preferred the essay, but I am confidant I will ace that test! And I'm sure the week after next we'll have another essay to write along with our weekly letter.

    Since we didn't have school last Friday, I went to the library and picked up 3 books and two children's books on cd all in Swedish, so I can keep learning more and more. I saw this book called "Ensam och Fri" (Alone and Free) and I grabbed it without reading the back. Later that night after Rosa and Anton were in bed, I read the book. It was only 22 pages, it's from the company that publishes short stories and these books are used in SFI to promote reading. I decided I would read the book without looking up a single word before I started. I understood the entire story, but it was one of the worst stories I have ever read. I almost want to ask for my life back from the author. It was about a man who had been cheating on his unsuspecting wife of 24 years with younger woman for the past two years. And the best and worst part of the book is the suspense that gets more and more heartbreaking every chapter. At first her husband is just late for dinner. Then he was never at work that day. Then he showed up smelling of another woman's perfume and had another woman's lipstick on him, etc. Seriously, do yourself a favor and don't read this one!!!

     So learning Swedish is hard, but I'm going to do it. Don't expect excellent grammar or me to write you completely in Swedish off hand, I still need a lot of help. And for the love of cinnamon buns don't make fun of someone learning a new language, it's totally rude and discouraging. That is all, until next time...

Homesickness

Home in Michigan

So I haven't posted in a very long time. I was held back for many reasons like depression,  exhaustion, illness,  etc. But boy oh boy have I really wanted to shout out loud about life here. I mean I have so much to share about this country I sometimes call home now. I hope to stay a while so I can accomplish some things here. The thing about moving to a different country (especially from the majority of Americans I have heard from who live in Sweden) is that many people change their identity, but the title of my blog says it best. I will never let go of who I am,  where I've come from, and the fond childhood memories I have and want to share with Rosa and Anton here. I was very fortunate to experience some of the greatest things growing up in Michigan. Therefore I will always be living American in Sweden.

   Some days are really good here and I am happy about my decision to stay for a while, but on days like today I feel completely emotionally run over. I feel homesick for the wonderful relationships I have with family and friends in the USA. I long to talk, cry, and snuggle with my bffs.  I want to feel real again. I don't want to be in the land of passive aggressiveness, where you never really know if someone actually cares for you. I feel like so many people pretend here. They pretend to be happy,  they pretend to be your friend,  they pretend to care because they are stuck with you,  not because they choose you. Seriously it's hard to tell if people actually like you here,  it's not like they'd verbally say that (except for my mother-in-law, who actually did say that once to me).
     I am real. I pursue people who I genuinely like. I am real in my love, my generosity, my anger, my sadness, my passion, my obnoxiousness,  my bashfulness, I am who I am. I know my faults and can readily admit to them and in time forgive myself for them. My biggest asset is my biggest fault,  my honesty, I am not nor have I ever been a good sugar-coater. I am raw.  I share myself often. I find it difficult to lie. I am learning to always be a better and better communicator. I really want to express myself fully without being offensive to others, to be fully understood. I have great friends in the US who know all of this and still love me unconditionally. I feel like that may be something I will never have here. Don't get me wrong, my relationships in the US were not always sunshine and daisies, but I always had a true friend to talk to. I wonder if I will ever find a friend here whom honestly likes me as much as I like them. I am missing that closeness. Maybe I am just too American to bloom here.

     I worry about never being able to work here and having to move back to the US because I cannot get a good job. I don't want to have to move back to the US, unless I want to move back, not because I am jobless. I suppose that adds to the homesickness as well. In the beginning of January I was required to write a paper for my Swedish class.  It was an essay about my dream job and in writing it, I realized all the things I had planned and wanted for myself may no longer be what I want for myself now. I still am seriously considering a second master's or PhD, in the long term I think it would be fulfilling. When I think of my secret dream job that I have yet to share with anyone but my teacher, I feel closer to serenity than the other three dream jobs I mentioned in my paper. I guess like most people, I fear failure. In the back of my mind I hear my dad's words, "your time is worth money". And if I am not successful,  how do I support my family? A conundrum,  it is. Many people stay unhappy at jobs to support their families. I don't want that,  no one does.

     So I feel homesick. I daydream about being in Michigan this summer. I miss my support system. I miss being positively encouraged often. I miss having a few best friends and many close friends. I miss dinner parties and laser tag.  I wish I could be home for a while. I miss the excitement. My life here is very mellow compared to my life in the US. Here I spend all my time at home, school or the hospital. It can be boring, depressing, and lonely.  Well I guess I am sufficiently drained for now. You may disagree with some of what I have shared and that is your prerogative,  but do realize that this is my life and my feelings,  and I am just openly being me. I will soon write more blog posts about the good, the bad, and the strange in Sweden as I see it. I may even make a joke or two. Until next time...

Tahquamenon Falls, Michigan

Mackinaw Island, Michigan