A Tragedy Alone

So some of you know what's going on with my family right now. My heart is heavy with an ache that probably will not be dulled for quite some time. This will probably be the most serious post I will ever write. I must warn you, that while I will try not to be graphic, I must be honest. Call me absolutely  selfish, but I am not writing this for you, for your judgements, for your pity, for you to send me your experiences,  not that I deny their significance in any way, I just cannot manage  more pressure and truths of pain at this time. I am writing this for myself,  for hopes of even an ounce of peace of mind, and even though  my husband doesn't  completely  agree,  he respects my need for cathartic release.

My husband and I were overjoyed to find out in February  we  were  expecting. Our Rosa  would have a  little  brother or sister in October. We nicknamed the baby "cookie". Today while I am writing this, it is  April 10th, not only did Rosa become a year and a half, but it's National Sibling's Day. Today is also the day where we lost baby cookie, who was only 11 weeks and 3 days along. Rosa may have a sibling someday,  but not baby cookie.

I knew I  was going to  miscarry before it happened, only about 12 hours before it happened,  but it was  enough time for me to mentually shut down  to be able to handle what was to come. I  have never had a miscarriage before, but knew I was far enough along that this would be  most likely  an awful  experience.

I  had bleeding and pain, but when I felt  something  release  and my water broke, which I did not know was possible this early  on, I knew what was happening. The second  set  of  EMTS, who visited within  8 hours of each other, left  me for a taxi to come take me to the hospital. This was a big mistake. I soiled my pants, and the  seat  throughly. I lost so much blood  both the driver and I were  sure at one point I would pass out. I thought if the pain in my abdomen fully  released I would die. There were no hysterics, I  remained  calm. I  somehow  managed to make it  to the hospital by  focusing on my lower back pain.

The emergency staff were quick in checking me, but I was checked again after arriving in the care of the gynecologist/obstitrician's office. I will not share what happened next.  After finally getting  cleaned up  I was  examined. The doctor who examined  me, who totally  seemed to be  crushing on me said, "you will go straight up to  surgery now, but  do not worry they will  not  put you out, they will  use a local  anastetic". He asked extremely intimate questions, was very handsy, and I'm  not  quite sure he is like that with everyone. I  have  to admit I tend to  charm  health care  staff.

I  was  given  an adult diaper to wear since my underwear was thrown out,  but I  declared that I must keep my pants, I  couldn't  bear to throw out a perfectly good pair of black slacks even though  cleaning them would be a pain. I  probably should have just let her throw them out. But let me tell you that this adult diaper is so magical. Thank you Tena from the bottom of my heart for your XL adult diapers. They  fit like they were made specifically to contor my body. I  really appreciate that.  It's ok,  you can laugh, I am seriously  in love with these adult diapers, I wish I could wear them all the time. I  was  trying to be humorous  at the hospital as well when I could, because I know when I  breakdown, which will happen eventually, it will be like a  volcano  erupting. No one will want to be around.

My new bed for surgery was prepared and I was moved to it, but there was a confusion with the doctors and I had to wait for other  patients to be taken care of first. I was taken to  a room and had to pull out some rough  Swedish to talk to some of the nurses. Generally  health care professionals are the only  people I  do not like to try to speak Swedish to, it is better to  speak in your  native tongue if they can and for you as well. I  was  given medicine and I'm  not  sure when to take it because the verbal instructions were in spoken  quickly in Swedish. I am  fairly  certain  she said two before  bed and two tomorrow, but I  was  also delerious when she told me, so who knows!

Fortunately  my body let  itself relax enough  for a hour nap before they came to take me to surgery. Everyone was kind and  spoke clearly to me. However, they had a different plan for me. They decided to knock me out for  the surgery. I am glad they never told me in advance. I would have argued  against it. I am suffering from severe  congestion and did not want a mask over my face. When I  woke up I asked how much time had passed  and they told me an hour.  I  was  able to go back to my room  relax, eat, get  dressed and  sent home. I had a nice taxi driver on the way home who talked with me the whole drive back. He gave  me a complement.  He said, " it's  so nice to  be able to have  a  real  conversation with someone". I  told him he made my day a little bit better.

I am  not sure  when my shock will wear off and I will become a complete mess. I  am glad I was alone through the  worst because I don't  believe any of my loved ones could have handled  seeing the pain of today up close and personal. I think I will  always hide  parts of this experience because it is shocking and upsetting to know. Maybe it will hit me when I  wash the pants, maybe  when my family comes to visit,  maybe  I will lock this up so tight, it won't be until  Rosa has  a sibling  someday that I finally feel the loss. All I do know is I that I am  broken down and  scared to  feel what I am really feeling. So until my own reality hits me, I want to feel normal and  enjoy the beautiful daughter I do have. I don't want to talk about it obsessively. I just want to deal with it in my own way. I hope I have someone who is willing to listen when I do need to talk, but for now,  I am  as ok as I can be.